The Big Bellied Boxer Roll

Rant, Story

Evidently I’ve been working on this list of sorts. So, without further delay.

The Chubby Life Sessions

 This one probably isn’t the WORST, but it definitely holds some real weight. Yeah, I know. That was bad.

Anyway. This ones called the Big Bellied Boxer Roll. Happens to me most mornings as I’m trying to rid of the crease and wrinkle boxer problems you have once you get your pants on. Yeah, you’ve been there.

So, you’ve moved past that. You’re feeling confident, you’re starting to dance a little in celebration, then you spot it. The clouds start rolling in, the sweat is starting to form, and you promptly attempt to suck in your gut in hopes that will solve the issue. To no avail, it’s still staring you down in the mirror.

Yep, it happened again. The sheer weight and shape of your gut has caused the elastic band on your boxers to roll over and let out a faint squeak of failure.

The emotional stress you’re feeling at this point is reason enough to shed a tear, perhaps even workout. Or you can just go eat a muffin.

Yep, I’m eating a muffin.

Sincerely,

The Big Bellied Muffin Lover.

 

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Coffee Shop Drooling Adventures 

Rant, Story

I think I just woke up snoring, there’s drool, my hairs NOT on point, and the potential butt crack show I just performed pretty much sums up the last two hours. 

Yep, I fell asleep in the coffee shop again. 

Least the coffee finally cooled down enough to drink.

Another succesful outing.

How on earth am I single.

My Love Affair with Food

Gay, Rant, Story, Uncategorized

For the poor girl at Sonic’s who saw me aggressively consuming my tots and fry sauce, please forgive me!

They’re basically the love of my life at this point. Not that I’d want to consume the actual love of my life. Face palm.

Yep, I’m going to be single forever.

Anyway, I’ll try to keep the faces and grunts to a minimum next time!

Cheers!

The Cafeteria Cringe

Rant, Story

I realized long ago that I become more awkward in my attempts to be the exact opposite. Case and point, today. My lunch adventure.

About half way through lunch, my stomach started mimicking what I can only pin point as something a Sasquatch might sound like in distress. I casually kept clearing my throat every time this occurred as I was worried about people thinking I’m just letting the booty bombs go without a care in the world.

So embarrassing!

So, as a better alternative, I just continued to make people think I was about to give some grand speech in the cafeteria.

All in all, I think my attempts to hide Sasquatch’s screams didn’t go as well as I’d hoped.

Here’s to sitting alone at lunch due to your uncontrollable butt cheek screeches.

Cheers!