Potato Love

Rant, Story

I’d like to officially throw out some love for potatoes. Other then muffins, they’re probably the one thing I never give up on in life!

They’re also probably the main reason I’m chubby.

You know, cause who eats potatoes without a bit of oil.

Cheers, mates!

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The Big Bellied Boxer Roll

Rant, Story

Evidently I’ve been working on this list of sorts. So, without further delay.

The Chubby Life Sessions

 This one probably isn’t the WORST, but it definitely holds some real weight. Yeah, I know. That was bad.

Anyway. This ones called the Big Bellied Boxer Roll. Happens to me most mornings as I’m trying to rid of the crease and wrinkle boxer problems you have once you get your pants on. Yeah, you’ve been there.

So, you’ve moved past that. You’re feeling confident, you’re starting to dance a little in celebration, then you spot it. The clouds start rolling in, the sweat is starting to form, and you promptly attempt to suck in your gut in hopes that will solve the issue. To no avail, it’s still staring you down in the mirror.

Yep, it happened again. The sheer weight and shape of your gut has caused the elastic band on your boxers to roll over and let out a faint squeak of failure.

The emotional stress you’re feeling at this point is reason enough to shed a tear, perhaps even workout. Or you can just go eat a muffin.

Yep, I’m eating a muffin.

Sincerely,

The Big Bellied Muffin Lover.

 

The Banana Snort 

Rant, Story

I think I have entirely to much confidence when consuming bananas in public. It seems to freak people out.

 Except for the dude who seemed to be on a very important call. I apologize, I should have never made eye contact. Poor dude started air laughing then snorted in an effort to breath. That’s my bad. Hope it wasn’t a phone interview.

First rule of banana consumption: Never make eye contact.

Jesus, Jered.

My Love Affair with Food

Gay, Rant, Story, Uncategorized

For the poor girl at Sonic’s who saw me aggressively consuming my tots and fry sauce, please forgive me!

They’re basically the love of my life at this point. Not that I’d want to consume the actual love of my life. Face palm.

Yep, I’m going to be single forever.

Anyway, I’ll try to keep the faces and grunts to a minimum next time!

Cheers!

The Cafeteria Cringe

Rant, Story

I realized long ago that I become more awkward in my attempts to be the exact opposite. Case and point, today. My lunch adventure.

About half way through lunch, my stomach started mimicking what I can only pin point as something a Sasquatch might sound like in distress. I casually kept clearing my throat every time this occurred as I was worried about people thinking I’m just letting the booty bombs go without a care in the world.

So embarrassing!

So, as a better alternative, I just continued to make people think I was about to give some grand speech in the cafeteria.

All in all, I think my attempts to hide Sasquatch’s screams didn’t go as well as I’d hoped.

Here’s to sitting alone at lunch due to your uncontrollable butt cheek screeches.

Cheers!

Late night avocado encounters 

Gay, Rant, Uncategorized

So, my hairs a mess. My shirts clearly been worn two days, and I could have potentilly forgot deodorant. Yeah, I know, but it’s 11:45 at night in a grocery store, so. No judgements.

Anyway. Here I am, rocking out to Tegan and Sara while looking at avocados, and wouldn’t you have it! An employee, wanders up and asks me if I’m finding everything okay. Completley normal for Him to ask, right? Right.

Then there’s me. “Yeah! Thanks! You know, just admiring these avocados!” Yeah, he smiled nervously and walked away. I need a muffin, now.

*Face Palm*

Another classic encounter.

All the best,

The Creepy Late Night Avocado admirer.