The Big Bellied Boxer Roll

Rant, Story

Evidently I’ve been working on this list of sorts. So, without further delay.

The Chubby Life Sessions

 This one probably isn’t the WORST, but it definitely holds some real weight. Yeah, I know. That was bad.

Anyway. This ones called the Big Bellied Boxer Roll. Happens to me most mornings as I’m trying to rid of the crease and wrinkle boxer problems you have once you get your pants on. Yeah, you’ve been there.

So, you’ve moved past that. You’re feeling confident, you’re starting to dance a little in celebration, then you spot it. The clouds start rolling in, the sweat is starting to form, and you promptly attempt to suck in your gut in hopes that will solve the issue. To no avail, it’s still staring you down in the mirror.

Yep, it happened again. The sheer weight and shape of your gut has caused the elastic band on your boxers to roll over and let out a faint squeak of failure.

The emotional stress you’re feeling at this point is reason enough to shed a tear, perhaps even workout. Or you can just go eat a muffin.

Yep, I’m eating a muffin.

Sincerely,

The Big Bellied Muffin Lover.

 

The Banana Snort 

Rant, Story

I think I have entirely to much confidence when consuming bananas in public. It seems to freak people out.

 Except for the dude who seemed to be on a very important call. I apologize, I should have never made eye contact. Poor dude started air laughing then snorted in an effort to breath. That’s my bad. Hope it wasn’t a phone interview.

First rule of banana consumption: Never make eye contact.

Jesus, Jered.

It’s okay, Beautiful

Rant, Story

After a quick cruise on Facebook this afternoon, I was overwhelmed with the amount of negative feedback on all of the LGBT pages that I’m subscribed to. It gave me a heavy heart, and I just want to tell anyone who may be struggling with their sexuality or gender identification;

It’s okay to be Gay. It’s okay to be Transgender. It’s okay to be Bisexual. It’s okay.

You Are Beautiful.

Please. Be kind to one another.

Coffee Shop Drooling Adventures 

Rant, Story

I think I just woke up snoring, there’s drool, my hairs NOT on point, and the potential butt crack show I just performed pretty much sums up the last two hours. 

Yep, I fell asleep in the coffee shop again. 

Least the coffee finally cooled down enough to drink.

Another succesful outing.

How on earth am I single.

Little Rosie and the Blue Journal

Gay, Rant, Story, Uncategorized

Awkward moment #246 that became cherished memory #362

Today, I met Rosie. Rosie was an elderly woman of rather short stature who’s smile melted my heart and perfume brought tears to my eyes. It’s okay, Rosie. You’re openness and love for life made it all worth it!

I saw little Rosie in the book store while I was looking for a new journal, and before I had the chance to make eye contact and say hello, a frail but confident voice blurted out; “Get the blue one with the ribbon! It’s so dandy, like you!” I smiled, and quickly turned around borderline hugging that exact journal and blurted out’ “Yes! Fantastic taste, my lady!”

Rosie continued on to tell me that she was just simply too old for me, but her granddaughter was in the market! I quickly begin to hide behind the journal trying to figure out how I can break the news that I am without a doubt as gay as a gay man can be.

Before I could respond, she starts laughing and presumes to tell me that she also has grandsons. During a serious case of the gut giggles, I tackle Rosie with a hug and thank her for making my entire week. Well, no. I didn’t literally tackle her. Poor thing.

Anyway. Thank you Ma’am for being so open and humble in this world, it’s truly refreshing and beautiful!

The Cafeteria Cringe

Rant, Story

I realized long ago that I become more awkward in my attempts to be the exact opposite. Case and point, today. My lunch adventure.

About half way through lunch, my stomach started mimicking what I can only pin point as something a Sasquatch might sound like in distress. I casually kept clearing my throat every time this occurred as I was worried about people thinking I’m just letting the booty bombs go without a care in the world.

So embarrassing!

So, as a better alternative, I just continued to make people think I was about to give some grand speech in the cafeteria.

All in all, I think my attempts to hide Sasquatch’s screams didn’t go as well as I’d hoped.

Here’s to sitting alone at lunch due to your uncontrollable butt cheek screeches.

Cheers!

Late night avocado encounters 

Gay, Rant, Uncategorized

So, my hairs a mess. My shirts clearly been worn two days, and I could have potentilly forgot deodorant. Yeah, I know, but it’s 11:45 at night in a grocery store, so. No judgements.

Anyway. Here I am, rocking out to Tegan and Sara while looking at avocados, and wouldn’t you have it! An employee, wanders up and asks me if I’m finding everything okay. Completley normal for Him to ask, right? Right.

Then there’s me. “Yeah! Thanks! You know, just admiring these avocados!” Yeah, he smiled nervously and walked away. I need a muffin, now.

*Face Palm*

Another classic encounter.

All the best,

The Creepy Late Night Avocado admirer.